I know it's summer now but there's no thigh gap pics in this post, sorry

Twenty One Pilots was suhhhh great

I gave Trent my phone so he could take proper photos. Because he's tall. And he just took like fifty groupies. #Trenterz.

Kevin, the leader of our ward biker gang. I heart him. And his face. In this picture. Just look. 

Here I am inside Kevin's bus that he drives for a living.

NO JOKE.

Still not kidding! It was so great! And we had just ridden our bikes so we had them in there as well. Which I thought was pretty sweet. 

Horsies.

The lighting was awesome. Then I had to run 4 more miles. Ick.

But the LIGHTING, you guyz.

^^I didn't want to/have time to blog about errythang you've missed so here's some pitchers.

***

STORY TIME!

My new favorite hobby is googling people's mispronunciations of Benedict Cumberbatch's name. Best ones so far: "Benadryl Cumberbath, Bandersnatch Cummerbund, and Nutterbutter Humperdink." Nobody even tries anymore.

Yesterday I had theeeeeeeeeee most awkward experience of life. But if you are a woman, it just comes with the territory. Yeah, I'm talking about the blessed OB/GYN appointment. When I got into the exam room, the nurse was like "Ok, here's the giant t-shirt thing and then this sheet which you drape over yourself." Thank you. For the sheet. Because that makes me feel super covered up.

-__-

So I get the "Are you dating anybody?" question a lot. At least once a week. I should just start wearing a sign that says "No, to answer your question." Because that would save me a lot of time. And also save me from getting asked a lot of unnecessary questions in life. Except I want the back of the shirt to say "Yes, I want the guacamole and I know it costs extra." That invention will put $$ in the bank, yo. That and my Sarcastic Tombstones business, which I'm going to start up pretty soon.

But this week, when I got asked the inevitable, it just so happened to be coming from my doctor, while she was examining me. I mean. Could there have been a worse time to get asked that dang question? No. No there could not have been.

/end scene

Last weekend I was in a wedding. It was an all-day thang, as weddings usually are, but also because I was a bridesmaid and my parentals were helping with the photography (mostly mama), and I got some really good outtakes. I don't think I'm gonna be able to handle getting married. I only say that because I can't take serious pictures for the life of me. Observe.

Before this wedding went down, we had a bachelorette party. Nat'rally. The bridesmaids+the bride hit up Zermatt Resort in Midway, UT.

This resort has a pretty sweet indoor/outdoor pool, and 2 hot tubs. When we got there, both were full of persons. About twenty of them. Persons who were between the ages of 17-20. We got in anyway. I should probably mention that I forgot my swimsuit and therefore was wearing a flannel shirt and cut-off jeans (do I sound like I'm from the cast of Portlandia yet..). I sat on the little cement divider that separated the pool and the hot tub. This divider was probably 6 inches wide. Just for your info, my hinder isn't 6 inches wide. It's wider. Ya feel me? Sorry, wrong time to use that question.

So here I am, teetering on this lil cement divider with my feet dangling over the hot tub, and talking to my amigas, and also eavesdropping on the 20 girls who were crammed in there with us, because they were telling their first kiss stories and how could I not?!

"My first kiss...was...on New Year's Eve. Last year." *eye roll* Only she pronounced "year" like "yar."
[giggling noises]

Well, after about 10 minutes of making my feet pruny, another group of 20-somethings came outside to ask for valuable real estate in the hot tub. These were male 20-somethings, and quite ripped, I should add. I could've washed my clothes on this one dude's abs. You know? Okay. I'm done. With those jokes. (disclaimer: I have a mild concussion whilst writing this so I probably shouldn't be writing this. /end nonsense transmission).

Boys: "Hey uhh...can we get in there with you guys?"
my face:

other girls: ummm yaaaaaaaa
our group: (all about the eyebrows)
my thought process: do you have pizza? would that I had actually said that! Oof.

Their question was rhetorical, because as they asked it, they were slowly ripping off their clothing until it was just Billabong and Volcom shorts up in here. Too much? I told you, I'm concussed.

Because this hot tub was really small, I had to scooch over even more to make room for them, and I mean, if any of them had laid a finger to me, I would've fallen backwards into the swimming pool. I almost wish that would've happened. Would have been a great escape hatch out of the awkward situation we were about to get ourselves into. ALmost as good as a seesaw.

Well, then the painful awkwardness that is my life commenced.

Washboard Abs Boy: So what are you guys doing here? Are you guys all in a group together? *motions towards every female in the hot tub*
Elise: Um, no, no, we're here for a bachelorette party.
Leader girl in other group, I'm going to call her Black Swimsuit: We're cousins. Family reunion.
WAB: Oh I see. So do you guys go to school orrrrrr.
Elise: Yeah I go to BYU.
Hill: Utah State.
Shan: Graduated.
Me: Graaaaduated (I drew out the "a" so they would know I'd been graduated for a long time and therefore was off-limits because #old)
WAB: Wait, Bachelorette Party?! Congrats! Who's the bride?
Hill: Me.
Every guy in the hot tub: Oh my gosh congrats!
WAB: Well we're just here for guy time.
All girls in hot tub: ......
Random dude sitting right by my leg: Would you totally hate me if I asked you to scoot over more?
Me: Uhh no. No! I don't hate you! What? (I should mention that I also had a yucky cold during this experience and therefore had Zooey Deschanel manly voice, and I'm sure that just added to my allure. Not to mention that my bum was completely soaked from sitting on the divider. If you looked up "hot mess" in the dictionary you'd see my picture there.)
Random dude by my leg, after he flirtatiously smirked at me: Thanks. Sorry. I know you hate me now.

*pause. Is saying "you hate me" supposed to be some way of playing hard-to-get? Or what? WHAT IS IT. Please explain, all my male readers. K thank you and bye.*

Since I couldn't tell if he was flirting or what, I just nodded and said "Heh..heh heh nope don't hate you." And tried to make my raspy voice sound more alluring. Spoiler alert: I failed. Because me and that boy aren't dating or anything now. I don't even have his digits in my phone. Sigh.

WAB (clearly the leader): So you guys know this resort, right?
Elise: Yeah my family has the condo we're staying in.
WAB: So you know what fun things there are to do around here?
Elise: Umm well have you gone to the sauna yet?
WAB: Oh, you mean The Steam Room. We live there.
*all the boys affirm this, proudly. "Yes, yes we live in The Steam Room." Fist-pumps galore.
(cue my weird eyebrow movements again)
Elise: Uh, okay, well what about volleyball?
WAB: Oh yeah, we were playing earlier. *chuckles*
Elise, realizing that the girls saw them playing earlier, with their shirts off, starts to laugh: Ohh yeah we saw you guys. Hehh...
WAB: You probably thought 'Hey look at those toolbags playing with their shirts off! Ha!' Well, it was pretty hot. *mumbles* No, no it wasn't hot. It wasn't hot at all.
*eyebrows*
WAB: So where do you guys live in Provo? I live at bla-bla-la. I only live there for the hot tub. (he said this seriously. No joke)
WAB: What's your major?
Elise: English.
WAB: Ewww! Mine is Advertising. He said it just like this: "Addd-ver-tizing." I swear his front incisor twinkled a little bit. And my ovaries went like this:

(in anger, not happiness)

At this point, one of the other boys in the group started to talk to Black Swimsuit. I feel like it's necessary to add that he was sitting on the hot tub steps exactly like Ariel does in this scene in the Little Mermaid. Theee spitting image, I tell you.

I eavesdropped, naturally. You know me, always droppin' them eaves. ;)
????????????????

Little Merman, to Black Swimsuit girl: Go on a date with me. (Notice how he commanded her. Woof. He was gearing himself up for a salmon slap, no doubt.)
Black Swimsuit: Umm I just got my mission call...?

Poor girl. Srsly, she didn't know how to get him the heck off her back so that's what she had to say. We all know what I would've said. But we'll save that for a future blog post about my dating life:

visual aid: my dating life

Little Merman: Where did you get your call?
Black Swimsuit: Iowa, Spanish-speaking
Little Merman: Quiero salir contigo.
Black Swimsuit: Huh??
His Polynesian Friend, A.K.A. The Only One Still Wearing a Shirt: He's saying he wants to go on a date with you.
Black Swimsuit: Looking at her friends for help and support. They just giggled. I wanted to punch him in the throat, kind of.
Little Merman: Come on, I'll be the guy that sends you off. I'll write to you. Just go out with me.
Black Swimsuit girl: I leave in like 2 weeks.

At this point I was like "Yo, the club cannot handle me right now," and got up off my 6-inch cement pavilion, sort of splashing the awkward dude next to me, and showed my wet behind to everybody in the hot tub, which they made eyebrows at, no doubt. And we left. I never have to live at Belmont, now. I know what the scene is like.

Ah, it's good to be back. Didn't you miss me?

here's my apology gifs to all of you who just read this. 

truly, I am sorry.

and for those of you who are reading this blog for the first time, I wouldn't blame you if you never came back. 

over and ouuuuuuuut

this one's about growing up

my students in Mexico+the cake they made me with the intention to shove my face in it

(but I stopped that train before it left the station, you feel me?)

As I write this, Radiohead is playing in my ears--not "Creep." I feel like I should clarify that. I'm eating a piece of really good Mexican chocolate, which is simultaneously bringing me back to that one night in Oaxaca City two years ago, when we dragged our suitcases down the cobblestone streets (not as romantic as it sounds...actually it gives your hands awful cramps), trying to find "Chocolate Street." The tourist books we had were wrong, because everybody knows every street in Oaxaca is "Chocolate Street." It's practically pouring out of the cathedral windows in the centro. You can smell that spicy-sweet cinnamon smell everywhere, along with some other smells which I won't go into detail about on this blog. You know?

So, Mexico.

I almost didn't go to Mexico. I almost didn't go to Rexburg for school, either! Good thing the Spirit is pretty pesky about those things, and by "those things" I mean the things that scare us into paralysis, and make us think "Ohhh no, I am not doing that. Nope, nope, nope. I'll just stay right here in my comfort bubble." Most of the time, though, the Spirit nudges us to do things that, in reality, we really do wanna do, but don't think we have the skills/guts/stamina/brains to do. But hey, God is a really good sculptor (at least, that's the word on the street)! Right? I mean, whenever I get scared about doing something really outside of my usual comfort zone, I think "God hasn't ever led me astray before...so why would He do it this time?"

God doesn't trick us into doing anything. He lets us choose, and sometimes we choose wrong, and that's a pain, but then the Atonement helps out with that, too (different post, different post, you guys). He's trying to make us more. He's trying to help us become. I recently stumbled on this quote which said everything. You know how it goes. When you're looking for an answer, you can find it pretty quickly (and sometimes in really unexpected places!).

from this talk right here

So, God is giving us all these fear-challenging experiences because He wants our faith in him to get really strong. I mean move-that-mountain-over-there strong. He did it with Moses. He did it with Joseph Smith. And it wasn't exactly an easy road for them. You guys. Lots of people thought (and still think) Joseph Smith was a fraud. But he didn't ever deny what he had seen. He didn't cast away his confidence, as Satan gets us to do oftentimes because he makes us feel inadequate. He makes us freeze up. "Oh shoot....I mean, I know I felt good about that decision/feeling/revelation at the time, but now that I have to do it I'm not so sure." 

As soon as I decided to go to Mexico, I was pretty dang sure it was right. So I moved ahead with it. As the date for me to leave got closer, I started to feel a little panicky. That familiar feeling we all know very well--fear. I had a crush on this boy, and I thought "Hey maybe this is supposed to go somewhere...maybe I'm not supposed to go to Mexico." But I had lots of inner-conversation with myself, and I knew that wasn't really the plan. Still, I wasn't 100% convinced. I started to tell myself that going to Mexico "wasn't like me." This is another tactic of the adversary.

He makes us think this amazing, spectacular, awesome thing we are about to embark on isn't "like us" because we haven't ever done it before. He makes us feel inadequate and ill-suited for the task. Haven't you ever noticed that Satan is all about tearing things down? He wants us to be miserable. God, on the other hand, is in the business of building us up. So if God is telling you to do this awesome-but-kinda-scary thing, you can bet it's going to change you for the better. And He will help you. And yeah, maybe it isn't like you to do this crazy awesome thing, but just because you haven't done it before doesn't mean it can't become a part of who you are.

Take Nephi. Nephi had to build a ship, and he'd never done that before. A ship to cross the ocean. So obviously this wasn't just a Boy Scout model. It was grade-A, Pirates of the Caribbean-style ship. And he built it! But he didn't do it alone. He believed what God told him:

"And I will also be your light in the wilderness; and I will prepare the way before you, if it so be that ye shall keep my commandments; wherefore, inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led." (1st Nephi 17:13)

A couple of Sundays before I left for Mexico, I asked my bishop for a blessing. I was nervous and still unsure about what I was doing. Lit'rally. I kept looking at my packing list and saying "What am I doing?!?" In the blessing, he basically indicated that there were people and experiences waiting for me in Mexico and I needed to go. It was right! And I think I had faith in that, but I didn't know it for sure until that moment. I knew it would be just fine. The next day I got a phone call with my flight iterinary info, and I remember feeling perfectly at peace after listening to that message. I listened to it over and over. I was even sitting next to my crush in the library when I got the message. I looked at him, and back to my phone, him, back to my phone again. And the Spirit said "Mexico." 

I think all of this is what growing up is. Making decisions that aren't really easy, but you know they're right, and in the end, they make you a much better person than you thought you could be. That's what God is all about. Helping us live up to our potential that He always saw in us, but we couldn't even imagine.

Now go listen to some good get-up music (I've provided the proper music video in that link. Trust me.) and go do that thing that you've been thinking you should probably do for awhile. Just do it! Nike style! Like hike a pyramid maybe! But don't do it right after you've taken Dramamine, because then you'll fall asleep at the top! 

...not like that happened to me or anything.

....

ooh I really love this song...I think I'm gonna listen to it maybe one, maybe 64 more times.

^^a chapter from my autobiography, folks.

(p.s. Tyler Johns, if you're reading this, I think you're photo-bombing me in this pic.

 please confirm.)

I found my journal from high school a couple of days ago. Woof. I mean, really. Just listen to this stuff:

"How to Survive This Place We Call High School" 

"High school ain't that difficult. Just a hint for all you freshmen--don't flippin' worry about the way people shove you in the hall. They're not mad at you, they just want to get to class. Also: roller-wheel backpacks are extinct. At least, they should be. Don't bring them unless you want to cause mayhem in the English hall. Just do this:

1-Show up to range on time (#priorities)

2- Make friends who laugh at you and with you

3- It's okay if you fail a math test--everyone has before

4- NO ROLLIE BACKPACKS!"

Ah, the wisdom is just leaching off the page, don't you think? Oh, but there's more. This one might be my favorite.

"I got called a 'sentimental fool' today. That's like calling me a 300-lb sumo wrestler. I think mom was kidding when she called me that because everyone knows I'm a heartless loser. I probably won't even cry on my wedding day. Hmm...that's too far ahead. I can't think about it now." Little did I know just how far ahead it was...bahaha. 

Anyway, have you ever noticed which people are mascara-streakers and who are the Visine wannabes? That didn't make much sense, but hey. You get what I'm saying? I would definitely put myself under the category Visine Wannabe. I usually have eyes like the Sahara Desert anyway. Not ever crying causes a serious drought! (You can tell I hadn't really discovered boys yet). 

Notes 2 self:

-Don't wear toe socks w/out putting your toes in the actual toe parts

-Don't run without gloves if there's snow on the ground

I mean really. Who was that girl?? Heartless loser? PSSH. This describes much of the last year:

I went to see Spiderman on Saturday. I brought Mexican food into the theater with me, as per usual. Sounds like a glorious set-up, no? And as soon as the opening credits started I was crying. WHAT IN THE WORLD. That's what I get for calling myself a "heartless loser" at the age of 16. It was gonna bite me in the hiney at some point. 

I feel the need to say "subject change!" right now for dramatic effect. Also I don't know how else to transition from Spongebob pictures to the temple, soo...

I work here now! I love it. It's the best non-paying job I've ever had. Also, the chocolate milk isn't bad, either. Not bad at all. If you come here from 4-8 on Thursdays....you might run into me. But don't like, actually run into me, because I am a klutzbomb (state-certified) and I will trip and fall.

Why am I still writing this. I think my fingers are simultaneously jamming to this 70's pop and they can't...stop...typing. Maybe something coherent will come of it if I just keep on writing. "Maybe if I keep running these red lights it will become legal! Maybe I'll kill some people." <--same logic

I can't think of anything else to say. So how about this--YOU guys talk! Yeah, I need help making that video bliggity blog. Which I realize I've been talking about for about 6 months. Time to ask me questions. Which I may or may not answer (a.k.a. any questions about my love life, kthxbye).

Ready, steady, go!

Here's some ideas to get your brain cogs turning. Brain cogs? Huh? P.S. I got all of these from the internetz. Also, another p.s., I really hate talking about myself so if you can think of any other questions that aren't about moi, that would be gr8. If you really want me to answer any/all of these questions...I whill. For art! For the shire! *shudder*

1. What movie deserves a sequel?
2. What one album would you like to throw repeatedly at a brick wall?
3. What is your favorite kind of cereal?
4. What is one thing you always wanted as a kid, but never got?
5. If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your alias?
6. What is the nicest thing someone else has done for you?
7. If you could bring someone famous back from the grave, who would you choose?
8. Where do you not mind waiting?
9. If you could project yourself into the past, were would you go?
10. What would you refuse to do for one million dollars?
11. What is one thing you refuse to share?
12. If you went to a psychiatrist, what would he/she say you suffer from?
13. What makes you really sleepy? (I can answer this one right now: being awake. Being awake makes me sleepy. Who wrote these.)
14. What do people do too much of today?
15. What movie could you watch over and over and never get sick of it ever?
16. In what part of the world would you hate to be by yourself?
17. To what would you like to devote more time?
18. What would be the best thing about not having a sense of smell?
19. What is the best vacation/trip you've ever been on?
20. What is the scariest scene you remember from a kid's movie?
21. If you could un-invent one thing, what would it be?
22. Who is the most famous person you have ever met?
23. What is your favorite movie line or scene?
24. What part of your body could use a little lotion? hahahaha this question is weird. do not ask me this. please. 
25. What language would you like to master?
26. If you were directing a movie, who would you cast as your leading man and woman?
27. Aside from lettuce, what are your two favorite salad ingredients? who said lettuce was my favie?
28. If you had to dispose of a dead body, how would you do it?
29. Do you have a place where you would like to go and think? If so, where?
30. What is your favorite event in the Winter Olympics?

Also, if you guys want me to do something else besides talking non-stop on video, I will do other things. Except the cinnamon challenge. I will read a chapter out of a really terrible book, with the voices. I will doorbell ditch the governor of Utah. I will eat a giant meatball sub in one sitting. The possibilities!

raise da roooof

the club can't even handle me right now

So, I've been saying that phrase for awhile now...without realizing it was from a song. I usually just say it in a moment of frustration or awe or just plain "what the heck is happening?" You know. The usual stuff.

I woke up today feeling like P-Diddy after he'd partied too hard the night before. You feel me?

 

it was seriously the best dream, though.

I dream about going to the zoo a lot, too. 

Who wants to make that dream come true?

You guys wanna know my most embarrassing moment (of the week)? "Well, what  else does she blog about?"

The story goes like dis: I went to Albertson's semi-late at night. And by that I mean at 8:30pm, but that's "late" in American Fork, and also nobody shops at that store anyway, so when you walk in you can yell things like "I EAT PIE FOR BREAKFAST!!!" And hear the echo bounce all throughout the store. The possibilities, man. The freedom.

So I bought the things I came for, and soon thereafter realized my bladder was suuuper full (I had been at a wedding reception a few minutes previous, and we all know how those go for me). I followed the signs to the restroom, which led me up a really sketchy staircase, complete with flickering lights and lipstick graffiti on the walls.

Okay, just kidding. There was no lipstick graffiti. Still in American Fork, yo.

When I got to the top of the stairs, I wasn't close to any restroom. I was in the employee lounge. I'm not gonna lie, the comfy leather chairs and vending machine looked inviting, especially at 8:30 at night (my bedtime). But I pressed on.

I was greeted by yet another sketchy hallway. No flickering lights. No lights at all. Does this sound safe to you? Especially for a girl wearing very tall shoes and a skirt? Hmm?!?!

Yeah. It was safe. Still in American Fork.

Well, then I finally reached a door that looked promising. I opened it and kind of, sort of, completely hit a person with the door. Not just a person, though. A very pubescent, very redheaded, braces-wearing boy. He smiled awkwardly at me. Then I saw the other teenager with him. I deduced from their mop bucket and the smell of cleaner that they were cleaning the bathroom.

"oOHHHH, so HERE'S the employees! I wonder if they heard me say I eat pie for breakfast..."

As soon as they realized I was a civilian needing to use the bathroom, they awkwardly shuffled out of the bathroom. I think I said "Heh heh...sorrry...."

Sorry I have to use the bathroom...? Eh, I don't know. Somebody had to apologize for all the awkward energy that was spinning around in that room. I took it upon myself to do so.

I think you all know what happened next. I was in the bathroom. So....

beeeeeeeeep

Okay. So I washed my hands, calmed down the frizzies on top of my head, and opened the door to leave.

Bang!

Hit the shoulder of one of the boys again....

Wait. Waiiiit. Were you guys standing outside the entire time?

Yes. Yes they were. And I did not actually ask them that. In my head I did, followed by a scream, and I'm sure my face looked something like this:

here's to bad lighting, wasssup!

Well, then they kind of moved past me like "Hey get out of the way we were cleaning in here..." And I ran as fast as my tall shoes could take me, all the while mortified and thinking "Oh my gooosssh they heard me peeing oh my gosh!" (sorry mom for saying "pee" on the internet).

My life. 

And now, for the musical portion of my bliggity-blog.

when people tell me they don't like music, I feel like this:

I've found some greeeaaaat gems on YouTube lately for your listening pleasure. I haven't done a music post in like...a year. Who am I. So here you go. 

um...the location in this one?? PERF.

How do I get in on making these videos, huh? And why do they all happen in France? 

More here, here, and here

(you didn't think I'd leave you with just five, did you? HA)

Also, THIS. This is crazy. And I realize that you could just take the regular music video and mute it, but srsly. Kind of genius. Kind of weird. 100% awesome. Especially this one. I think someone should take away the music and then add the audio from a movie that's totally unrelated, to be funny. Like Titanic! 

Okay, maybe not.

Oh p.s. I'm apartment hunting again. And I found the perfect one, which obviously I can't have. 

But it's perfect for making such music videos. 

I'm crying just looking at it. THIS IS IN PROVO.

Did you know the crying emoji is my most used emoji?

.....

mmkay bye.

♪ wake up in the morning feeling like p-diddy ♫ *falls out of bed*

this cake is for everyone who graduated/is gonna graduate/is done with school/is gonna be done with school this week 

(Trent, do not comment on this picture... I swear)

The other day I used those gas station pumps to put air in my bike tires because it is spring for realsies now, which means bike all day, all night, all the in-between times too, and the air leaked onto my hands and smelled like a dead fish. Not cool, gas station pumps. Not cool.

I finally met my spirit animal, the lovely Heather. Roxberries=McFrenzy friendship initiation. If you haven't eaten smoothies with me yet (whispers)...then we aren't actually friends. SOrry.

please notice Pokey's hiney in this picture. 

never thought I would type that sentence.

She just texted me to say that she forgot to bring actual pants to school. Is she the greatest or is she the greatest (praise hands)?

P.S. Read this, it's worth it.

I just realized that I give you guys, like, stage directions while I'm writing. What is that all about?

Last night I was the only girl in a room full of 6 boys. Don't be jealous. ...Really. Like, I was sitting on top of their giant bean bag chair (it's at least 2 stories tall) while they watched the NBA Playoffs. If last night was an episode of a sitcom, that episode would be called "If Men Are From Mars Then Women Are From A Galaxy Far, Far Away from Mars."

Observe:

me: "This is the part of sports I don't get...the highlights. Why do we have to watch them all over again? And why do they analyze it? It was great. But it's over now."
*instant replay of someone dunking a basketball...I think*
boy: "But didn't that just make your heart so happy?"
me: "I wasn't paying attention...heh."
boy: "Oh. Well it was awesome."
me: ....

boy: are you enjoying yourself? (hint of sarcasm there, but I forgive you-know-who-you-are)
me: [on Pinterest] yes! *shifty eyes*

girls that came over to visit for 5 seconds and therefore I didn't get names: hey guys wassup.
boys: hey, hey, come in and sit!
girl: oh no, we were just out walking.
boy: but you've been walking all day....
girl: ...through your mind? ha. hahaha. ehhhh.
boy: yeah. yeah. that's what I was gonna say.
boy: hey did you leave Jell-O on my porch?
me: is this the beginning of another pick-up line?
*everyone laughs uncomfortably*
girl: no...but I know a girl in my ward who was making lots of Jell-O this weekend.
(can we just pause in this conversation for a second and revel in it? it's so great. only in Provo. okay. un-pause. again with the stage directions.)
boy: oh that explains it!
girl: yeah all my Jell-O is still in boxes.
*everybody laughs because that was a double meaning if I ever saw one*

boy #1: hey, look at my phone background. isn't it cool?
boy #2: hey, that's my phone background too!
me: well they're kind of the same.
boy #1: okay, you judge them. which one is better.
boy #2: hey you have the brightness turned up! no fair! let me turn my brightness up. okay. now judge.
me: okay..well...you see, the trees are in this aesthetically-pleasing line in this one, so it's more pleasing to the eye. (errybody's eyes are glazing over because of the art references)
boy #1: okay but what about mine. it has aesthetic lines.
me: well, it has a bird in it. so that's cool. but the lines are more abrasive in it.
boy #1: you're abrasive!

boy: I just realized that this smells bad (pulling undenifiable object out of couch cushion)
other boys: ew, what is it? let me smell. (they pass it around and all smell it)
me: (making turtle face)
boy: you wanna smell?
me: no thanks. I'll pass.

I just...DK. And no, that does not stand for Donkey Kong. Although we could make that a verb if we wanted to. You know how when people (Elder Holland) slam their fists on the pulpit? Donkey Kong! "Oh he just donkey-konged that piece of wood!" ....ehh okay maybe not.

And now, a photo essay on how I spent my Easter.

don't mess.

#skullet

babies are my favorite versions of humans. just so we're clear.

This week begins wedding season. Seriously...2 (maybe 3) wedding festivities in 5 days. Utah in the summer is just one giant wedding reception, yo. And that's not even the half of it. I'm supposed to go on like 3 road trips this summer, what! 

Peace.

all I wanna do is [*gunshot* *gunshot* *cash register noise*] take a nap for six hours

Having a messed-up liver is pretty lame. I mean, it's right up there with all the most delicious foods making you gain weight and having to pay lots of money for the coolest things (except for temporary tattoos. Temporary tattoos are only 25 cents! #staypositive). Like, what kind of world is this? Anyway. Liver problemz=me needing to sleep all the time. Like you've never heard that one. 

Just a random but true thought: I never feel like I'm more at the height of my English skills than when I type "fjsklafjsa;fdjl;sa" in a text message to express deep feelings about something. 

how to properly text someone you like: (by me)

you: hey you remind me of pizza.

crush: how so?

person: I love pizza.

BOOM.

And now, the  "McKenzie-Is-The-Most-Awkward-Human" portion of our show:

The first time someone asked me about Tinder was a year ago. I thought she was talking about kindling. I was like "do I have tinder? For what? Are you starting a fire? Can I come?"

I'm not an arsonist. Just for the record. I'm just always cold. 

So, Tinder. 2 weeks ago I was completely against the idea. Then my friend Kenzie (not the friend in the mirror, c'mon you guys, I know I'm crazy but not that much) was like "Yo I have a tinder, it's way funny and sort of a confidence boost."

So says I, "Okay, I shall download it." And I did. And it was...the...most...hilarious thing I have ever experienced. And it probably ruined online dating for me forever. As in, it made me think I was shallow. More shallow than a kiddie pool. 

The concept is thus:

You write a 500-word bio. Most people don't write the 500 words because a) they don't know what to write to "hook" people [don't make it gross] and b) they think simply writing their height and where they go to school is sufficient information to snag a date. 

Then you add up to 5 pikshas of yourself, preferably mirror selfies if you're keeping up with the times, and hope that people start swipin' right. Basically, Tinder finds people in the area that match your age criteria (that's it, just age. I KNOW RIGHT?! It's wrong. It's so wrong. And yet it's right. I guess. Wait. I don't have evidence to back that up so I take it back.). And you just swipe through the options, all day long. Left=not interested. Right=interested.

But hold on a minute. "Interested" in what exactly? What do you know about this person? You know they are somewhat attractive based on the (hopefully) current pictures of themselves they have posted. And you know their height. And you know they all have a niece or two. I'm just saying, this is the pattern with the men of Tinder. Lit'rally almost every guy has this information on his profile. And 95% of them have a shirtless picture. And that's basically it.

The guys I swiped right for had something different about them. And that "something" was the (*angel chorus singing*) BIIIIIIiiiiiiOooooooooooooOOOOO.

Translation: the bio. 

Words. Words are my jam and my jelly. 

These go in the hall of fame. Or shame. I'll let you decide which ones I swiped right for. 

And then, something weird happened. Boys started to talk to me. And all of them had something to say about my bio...er...except for the first one. And that, my friends, is the power of some good writing skillz. Sha-bam. I'm not even embarassed that 50% of my "about me" was about food. Not even a little bit. Because look where it got me.

Don't worry. I saved the gif he sent me. Because it was pure gold. 

In the end, this was a super great social experiment. I learned that my English degree is super helpful in...picking up guys. Who knew??? 

Yesterday I deleted my account, so the fun is over. Until ne(ver)xt time! 

okay...one more. this was somebody's profile pic. whoever writes the best caption for this picture gets a jillion dollars and/or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, made by me (the sandwich, not the jillion dollars. I'm definitely not gonna be the one making that).

p.s. this post is not meant to criticize anybody who uses Tinder. 
It's gr8. But...just not for moi. /end scene

handing it over

I've been writing this post in my head for about a month. The thing about promptings is that come pretty steadily and consistently if you pay attention. And thankfully, I've been paying attention.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom and I were having one of those late night conversations that makes you feel emotionally lighter when you're done (or heavier, depending on the subject matter/person you're talking to). Also it makes your eyelids really puffy. And then the next day at work it looks like you have 2 black eyes, and people come up to you and ask if you're okay. Heh.

If there's anything I've learned in the last couple of months, it's to trust Heavenly Father completely. With that trust comes a whole lot of other things we have to give to Him. I'll explain that in a little bit. Once I decided to do that, my life became a lot easier. It felt like an anvil had been lifted from my shoulders.

Trusting in Him doesn't just mean saying "Okay, I'm going to grit my teeth and push through this trial." It also means being obedient, all the time. Eeeeep. Pride alert! I'm independent. I like to do things myself...asking for help is really hard. It's even hard for me to admit that. But I'm not admitting it so you guys will think I'm humble. Ha. Haha. This is an everyday struggle. But really...when I submit completely to those promptings, I'm always blessed. There's always a confirmation that what I did was right. And also a little "why the heck didn't I listen to that earlier?" commentary from the voice in my head that kind of sounds like Morgan Freeman...lezbehonest.

Now instead of fighting against the current, I feel like I'm just going down the stream in a nice little inner tube. Not like those giant ones we grew up using at Catherine Creek. Those got caught on tree branches and then exploded, making me almost drown and lose my shoe to the depths of the creek forevermore. #tangent

This doesn't mean the current has slowed down to a stagnant stream. Life is still tricky. It's hard to navigate. But there's always help. As a dear friend just said to me the other day, "Hope is good. Always carry it with you." I think we throw it away too often. Fight for it. Hold onto it until your knuckles go white. I've learned something else about faith: it's stronger than fear. It can beat fear up, because fear is a liar, and faith is based on truth. Sha-bam!

I came across this scripture a couple of nights ago and I just cried when I read it. Cried and cried. Because there it was. The answer!

"But behold, the righteous that hearken unto the words of the prophets, and destroy them not, but look forward unto Christ with steadfastness for the signs which are given, notwithstanding all persecution—behold, they are they which shall not perish.

But the Son of Righteousness shall appear unto them; and he shall heal them, and they shall have peace with him, until  three generations shall have passed away, and many of the fourth generation shall have passed away in righteousness."

2 Nephi 26: 8-9 (emphasis added)

"She Will Find What Is Lost" 

by Brian Kershisnik

 (probably one of my most favorite paintings ever)

Work in place of worry. Faith in place of fear.