now I walk into the club like "what up?! I'm uncomfortable."

friendly reminder that I went out in public like this once. 

a brief list of reasons you should (not) go to weddings with me:

1) I might say inapprope things out loud during a moment of silence, like for example, during a certain important slow dance. things like "my water broke!" and "shotgun wedding!" Sorry mom.

2) I can and will drink 10 glasses of water without breaking a sweat to avoid conversing with people I don't know (which is like 90% of everybody in the room, thank you)

3) I stand in awkward walkways, like by the kitchen, or by the cake, or by the whatever because sorry I didn't get married today but yo I am still a human and you can't just walk through me. Shout out to Alan who knows what it's like to be ignored. Tell me, on a scale from one to internet explorer, how ignored do you feel at weddings? Because I'm definitely internet explorer, version one. 

4) sometimes I drop my purse and I can't pick it up???? no matter how many times I bend, I get no response from my knees. or my elbows. they're just like "nope. you're not picking that up. nope." 

Someone say nice things about me at my funeral. PLZ. Or just like, play a James Taylor song. Just don't show a slideshow of me trying to pick up a purse because #datgirlbecray

5) sometimes people want to have top-secret conversations with me and we stand in front of the microphone on accident. sorry everybody at this particular wedding who heard way too many things you never wanted to know about my life. 

"She likes to put what on her breakfast cereal?"

Don't hate on my Cheez-Whiz addiction.

6) If I do know you, I'll obviously try to hug you, but if you don't respond to the hug, I'll make it even more awkward and nestle my head into the space between your armpit and total humiliation. It's GONNA happen. So just hug me normal next time, okay? Hugging shouldn't feel like human Tetris. 

7) I will do anything to avoid talking to strangers (like I said, pretending I'm part-camel and drinking a gallon of agua), including tapping them on the shoulder and running away? Because I'm 23 and mature, yo. I'm going to start a club called "Looking for Fourth Wheel." Hopefully more people than my little sister join it. 

My mom always said to aim high.