will write for tacos: I'd Really Like to Flirt With That Cute Boy Over There But When I Shaved I Missed a Spot on My Kneecaps: A Memoir, by McKenzie Livingston

a rare photo of the most awkward species in her natural habitat

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I re-used an f-beezy status as my blog title. but you don't even care, right? I sure don't.

So, here's the thing.

I'm awkward. Not just the usual social-awkwardness that everybody is afflicted with from 7th grade up until high school graduation. Nope, not that.

Awkwardness just follows me around like a homeless kitten and I KEEP GIVING IT CATNIP, MAN.

I've got to stop.

Here's the scene: it's Monday night, FHE, bla bla bla, I was trying to socialize and be extroverted but...it's harrddd. I mostly thought about going home and sleeping, ~~and eating nachos,~~ but I couldn't leave on account of Eric-face drove me there and therefore my car was at the church, and he's in charge of stuff and therefore he couldn't leave so I couldn't leave and GASH.

Ball and chain, yo.

Just kidding.

But that's how me and this awkward-metaphorical-kitten relationship is. Ball and chain.

Anyhow, I saw a new person sitting on this see-saw thing (not really a "see-saw thing," it was a real life, legitimate see-saw, but for some reason adding 'thing' at the end makes it sound less...weird? kbye), and I went over to introduce myself.

This person happened to be a boy. Alert the presses!

Talking to boys isn't really an issue anymore. Fun fact: when I was in elementary school I would deliberately avoid walking past the dodgeball court because BOYS were there (the horror!) and what if one of them clocked me in the face, or worse, said hello?! I mean. I was terrified of them.

But now that I possess a degree in ~~writing long papers~~ English, and along with that some four years of being around lots of boys (without their scruff they are less intimidating and yes, beautiful. DIFFERENT POST FOR A DIFFERENT TIME), I am not afraid of them.

Unless, for whatever reason, they act awkward, and then I'm all like "uhhh I can't handle this awkwardness so I'm going to walk away."

Jorge told me that this was my secret talent. When I'm in the middle of something awkward, I just find my escape hatch and bust a move.

Alright, I'm done interrupting myself now. I went to talk to this boy and after I introduced myself, he patted the seat next to him, on this see-saw. Now, everybody that's ever been on a see-saw knows that the engineering is set up so that only two people can ever sit comfortably on one....just one, no fun, and if one person leaves abruptly, well, the other person leaves abruptly too, if you know what I mean.

He was sitting on the middle part, so he was "comfortable" I guess, but there was absolutely zero room for me to sit there, except for maybe if I was 120 lbs lighter and in diapers, but what'errr. I just nodded (awkwardly, because nodding is kind of awkward when used seriously), and sat on one of the actual see-saw seats. Ha. Say that five times fast while doing a headstand.

Upon doing this of course, it made the see-saw go up, on the guys side.

Awkward point for me!!!

As soon as he moved and we were balanced out again, he started to make small-talk. Juicy.

"Soo, what do you like to do?"
"Um, well I like snowboarding! Longboarding?"

I offered that second alternative just in case. Boys usually can relate to those two things. You know. Sportz.

"So did you play softball then?"
"Huh?"
"Softball..you played it in high school?"
(in my brain I'm thinking reallllly hard about what part of 'snowboarding' and 'longboarding' sounds like 'softball' and all my brain can connect is the 's' and 'b' in snowboarding and yeah....then my brain sends me a signal that says 'this is all about to go downhill. RUN.')
"Ummm no, I didn't play softball."
"Oh. Baseball?"
?????????????????????????????????????

Time for the escape. As soon as my friend Courtney came over to say hi, I gave her a very subtle look which also meant "THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL FOR COMING OVER HERE, SERIOUSLY BLESS YOU AND BLESS YOUR FACE AND YOUR VOICE AND BLESS"

and then I got up off the see-saw, meaning that the boy "got up" off of the see-saw too, without wanting to. In fact, I kind of propelled him right out of that awkward conversation which he pulled us both into.

So, you're welcome new person.

You're welcome.