embarrassing things I did in my youth that still haunt me at night

I am screaming in my flesh trash.

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU SHOW SOMEONE SOMETHING YOU THINK IS FUNNY AND THEY DONT LAUGH.

being the center of attention is a nightmare.

This comic is me, my entire life, in just a few frames. I love it so much.

I was in the midst of grading papers this afternoon when I remembered something really gross I had once done (when I was--gulp--19). This happens a lot. Something I've tried to repress always comes back to wag its proverbial finger at me and say "HAHA, remember when you were pubescent?!" YES. I REMEMBER. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP BRINGING IT UP, CEREBRUM. LET IT GO.

Maybe if I write these down and let everyone read them, the hauntings will stop. But I really doubt it.

Story #1: 
When I was 19, me and my two breast friends (I am not correcting that because of the context of the story) formed a "Hammocking Club." This means that we walked to a house on 100W in Rexburg which had a hammock hanging in the front yard and used it. All three of us. In a hammock made for one person. One person hammock. Three people. Not a good idea.

One of my old roommates' exes lived there, and he hated us using it. So we continued to do so, duh.

Every night, people (men) would walk past (since it was right by the sidewalk) and we would rate them. We'd do it when they were ten feet away, but still. So embarrassing. And we would even ask them to give us a little push sometimes. Is it any wonder none of us got any dates?

One night we decided to just start yelling things out like we had Tourette's, just to get a reaction. Wanna know what the worst thing we said was? "LACTATE!" I need to go lie down for a few minutes so I can recover from this one.

At the end of that semester, me and Chelsea snuck to this front yard in the middle of the night (ok, it was like 9 o'clock) and snipped a piece of the hammock off for our time capsule. Yikes.

Story #2:
I went through a phase in my 8th year of life fondly known as "Pinch Everybody's Buttocks Phase." PEBP. I don't know, I have to make everything an acronym. It got the point where I would stand in the hallway at church as Relief Society was letting out and just pinch people's bottoms, one after the other. In the confusion, nobody could see who it was (it helped that I was shorter than everyone). Not only was this unsanitary, but it gave me a bad rep. And my mom put a stop to it when I pinched an unsuspecting butt a little too hard. Hers. Rookie mistake, smh.

Story #3
It was Day-Before-Easter-Saturday. I was running around the front yard, high on candy and life, probably swinging from Grandma's trees like a tweaked version of Tarzan. Just imagine a five year old in Minnie Mouse overalls and long braids, missing her front teeth, screaming. My nickname was The Screamin Demon, ok.

I still don't know how this story took the turn that it did. It makes no sense in my mind's eye (which I am wishing I could poke out). But I had to go the bathroom (Weak Bladders ((Not-So)) Anonymous), so I unsnapped those overalls and peed on the neighbor's FENCE. HOW DID I EVEN DO THIS. Anatomically it should be impossible, but I know that the wood stain was a little bit darker after I was done with it, so..??????? Anyway, in the midst of this micturating, my mom came around the corner and saw me. I hurried and snapped up that Minnie Mouse denim and ran into the house, thinking quickly.

I knew my mom would take away my Easter candy as punishment, so what did I do? Well duh! I barricaded my door with my play furniture and started to eat it all. She walked in on me as my mouth was drooling with taffy and Snickers bars. I mean, ew. I didn't even get to enjoy it. All this while my overalls were covered in urine. I deserve at least one demon child for this incident alone. I really do.

I'd just like to say from the bottom of my heart: yikes

I was going to do a movie review of Hambre Games Part II but I just don't have it in me. Sry Gordy. But here's a quick summary for those of you who haven't seen it/read the book (*spoiler alert* *eyeroll*):

• Katniss has a gnarly bruise on her neck and can't talk.
• Peeta has PTSD and his hair has gotten even more ugly (pretty sure they could've remedied this since Katniss always looks bangin' even though she's in a war torn post-apocalyptic country half the time).
• Really though, why the frosted tips? Peeta deserves better.
• Kyrie is litrally cutting off my circulation with her arm right now OUCH (not now, like, while we were watching the movie)
• Now she's cussing in my ear
• Do u think the people behind us will get mad or
• Alright now Katniss has her eyelash extensions on, she's ready to fight I guess (lolz)
• They invited Peeta on this assassination mission because he has PTSD so that makes sense
• Explosion
• Explosion
• A giant flood of liquid eyeliner
• Whoops it's oil
• Same difference
• Explosion
• Explosion
• President Snow: 

Flash forward: Peeta's got a terrible wig on and that's apparently the thing that makes him look "older" but really he looks the same (STILL WITH FROSTED TIPS I MEAN COME ON THIS ISN'T AN N*SYNC ALBUM COVER). Katniss doesn't look older but she's lost the eyelash extensions and she's talking to a really beautiful baby. It's probably not Peeta's tbh. Whoops.

What was this blog post even about in the first place? I guess nothing. I guess that's all. I saw Hunger Games II and I had three (THREE) Twix Bars in my purse which I forgot about the entire time and am just now remembering. Why do I have candy-bar amnesia? Is there a cure?

I shouldn't post this.

*posts anyway*

you might be in grad school if

1. You start insulting people by calling them "absolute pancakes." This isn't for lack of creativity, but merely brain power. I used up all my brain sauce for the semester coming up with lesson plans that would entertain some 18-year-olds. OKAY BUT IF ONE MORE PERSON SAYS "DON'T TELL ME SPOILERSSSS!" FOR THE LAST HUNGER GAMES MOVIE I WILL BLOW A GASKET. THE BOOK CAME FIRST, YOU ABSOLUTE PANCAKES. THERE'S NO WAY THERE CAN BE SPOILERS. READ THE BOOK.
2. You get unnecessarily angry at stupid things that have no effect on you whatsoever (see number 1).
3. You think an ice cream sandwich for lunch sounds fancy and almost like having a real meal.
4. You wear beanies or hoodies every day to cover up your crazy bedhead and then before you know it people are asking you if you have hair at all.
5. You start crying when you: a) see any baby animal, I mean any baby animal, b) have nightmares about grading papers and the stack never getting smaller c) step in a puddle of maple syrup that got spilled on the kitchen floor and nobody is cleaning it up anytime soon
6. You get excited about buying things like socks and chocolate milk. Actually, this was me before grad school too. And it will be me after grad school.
7. You listen to way too much Manchester Orchestra/Taking Back Sunday, which just makes you feel like an angsty 17-year-old version of yourself. And then you make an actual emo playlist on Spotify, just solidifying how distant you've become from love and affection. I dunno what it is about the cold weather, but I think it makes me real mad. Or it could be school. Jury's still out. 
8. You laugh at people who actually have time to zip up their pants/hoodies, wash their sheets, and paint their nails. Sometimes I'll just marvel at someone taking the time to zip up their hoodie. What's it like to have that much time? I don't know.
9. You check ratemyprofessor.com to see if anyone has given you a chili pepper yet. STILL NO CHILI PEPPERS. Actually, a profile for me hasn't even been set up yet. Which I'm sort of relieved about. But what does one have to do to get a dang chili pepper? *probably stop wearing beanies*
10. Your butt gets smaller, not from doing squats, but from getting compressed in a chair for too long. :'( COMPRESSED BUTT SYNDROME, OR CBS AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, DANGIT THAT'S A TV STATION NEVERMIND

this sweater itches like he*k

this is my great grandmother. she'd be proud of this post.

Sry. Sry for fake-fake-cussing. It's just, you know. Whatever. Four weeks 'til the semester ends and I take a nap for the entire month of December. Those of you who truly know me know that I am not exaggerating. Not even a little bit.

The last two days were less than, on a mathematical scale. Less than dirt, less than Cool Ranch Doritos (sick), less than when your sock falls down inside of your shoe, less than getting flipped off while driving for doing nothing wrong, less than setting your alarm for PM instead of AM. It was less than all of that. I can thank my good friend anxiety for all of it. Don't worry. Soon I'll get it* figured out.

*my health/sanity/well-being (this statement does not encompass the rest of my life, ha!)

Back when I was a baby undergrad, I used to make "happy lists" every Monday in order to keep Monday from getting shoved under the bus and have a reason to write on my blog. Well, now I have more interesting reasons, but less time. But I'm taking this one for the team. Er, my blog is. Because you know what, crying for three days straight is really so overrated. My Kleenex bill is through da roof.

HAPPY LIST AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU CAN LEAVE

1. Making a new friend in Institute. He said I was "the best partner he's ever had." Idk, should I change my relationship status on Facebook now?
2. Scriptures, for being my favorite and my best always. 
3. Parks & Rec, for helping me to laugh when I seriously just wanna cry. 
4. Kleenex, for when I actually do cry.
5. Good friends, ACROSS-THE-WORLD friends, 2-hours-away-friends, and all the in-between ones. You keep me above water. I luh you.
6. The churro frozen yogurt was almost out but I got the very last bit of it, haha TAKE THAT YOGURTLAND!
7. The Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify is finally good because I only listened to all my favorite music for a week straight which got kind of old bc I need variety but I DID IT just to have at least one good song on my Discover Weekly playlist.
8. Barely finishing a huge writing assignment 3 minutes before class and not even really finishing it all the way but still GETTING AN A. This is a miracle.
9. Trying to text "tender mercies" and my phone autocorrecting it to "tender me dies," which is still accurate. You might think this is a weird thing to put on a happy list and you'd be right.
10. Being stressed about a paper I didn't get to revise very well and getting a perfect score on it (wut). I'm pretty sure somebody is praying for me way more than they are letting on. C'mon, who is it? Let's date.
11. Imagining my mom's facial expressions as she reads this.
12. Sleeping through the night WITHOUT a sleeping pill. That's right. I'm cured. Mostly. But I still had a dream about a friend I know via the internet and not in real life, and it was super violent and grim and awful and gosh I hate dreams sometimes.
13. Again with putting unhappy things on happy lists?! I shouldn't run these anymore.
14. Finally meeting a Twitter friend in real life, and what did I take them to do with me? Buy deodorant at Smith's. #romance #friendship #rofriendship #leavemealone
15. These pictures. Great day. Fun, fun day. Kenzie is leaving me for Texas, so *moment of silence please*

I'm...a vampire?

Snow is just dirty, pee-infested ice. 1/10 would recommend (if one dog was a part of the study)

DON'T GOOooOoOOO

in which I attempt to cheer up the emoji benchwarmers

why isn't there an emoji for this emotion?

I don't think you'll be able to read this unless you're on a cell phone, mostly because I'm using lots of emojis and you're gonna feel real left out when all you can see are squares. SQUARES. Hint: capitalize one word per paragraph, just to disorient your readers. Just try it. TRY IT! Whoops, that was three words. I can't be an extremist, guys. Not today.

Are we calling cell phones "hotline blings" now? I need to keep up with the trends or this blog is going to go down the toilet. TUBES. Down the tubes. I don't like the word toilet just bc of what it reminds me of (puking, if you must know, and dead goldfish).

I have some things to say to those underused emojis living in all of our phones. I think they feel left out, so I wanted to just, ya know, encourage them a little. Emojis are people too! Wait. Nah. No. Nope.

Saxaphone, you're most useful than some would like you to believe (cough *guitar emoji* cough). I like to punctuate unfortunate news with you instead of actual periods and commas and stuff. Makes the recipient feel better. Hey (saxaphone) I (saxaphone) can't (saxaphone) come (saxaphone) tonight. Now it seems like they got a text from Kenny G. instead of Kenny no G(allbladder) (that me). 

Yo mom sandals, or mandals, you're not all bad. S/o to your arch support and hardcore orthopedic-ness. I bet if Meryl Streep was a sandal, she wouldn't be you. BUT YOU'RE STILL A-W-E-S-O-M-E. 

Satan after getting hit by a greyhound bus/some kind of mask?

Bro. BRO. you're alright. Not sure if you came from The Tiki Room at Disneyland or the actual depths of hell. Since I often use you to describe my face in the mornings, I'm gonna go with the second one.

It's true, I didn't know you existed until I was writing this blog post. Now I'm going to use you all the time when I need to talk about Anne of Green Gables in text messages (which is never, but)

Ok. Honestly? Are you the Emerald City or are you a cactus or are you something else entirely? Whatever you are, I'm going to embrace you. Some days I have felt the emotion "Emerald City" but haven't known I could express it...until now. Thank you. Thank you so. much.

mysterious grey box emoji

Dude, this is the tightest carp I've ever seen. Do I know what you are? No. But you're mysterious. You go ahead and own that. 

doily or cloud with frosting swirl

Nobody uses doilies anymore so you've gotta be a cloud with a frosting swirl, and I respect that. I respect anything with frosting on its face. Do you have a face? DO CLOUDS HAVE FACES? This emoji has caused me to have an existential crisis. Welcome to my blog.

johnny appleseed concert ticket

Hey Mr. Johnny Appleseed movie ticket thing. uhhhh....wow...um...good luck with everything? shoot for the moon and even if you miss you'll be in the middle of space. all alone. like Sandra Bullock.

floating howard stern

If you aren't a floating Howard Stern emoji then I want nothing to do with you. Sorry but that's the best support I can give at this juncture.

the "symbols" *imagine I'm banging a gong right now*

There's gotta be someone out there who knows what you guys are (probably only steve jobs, and he probably also knows the truth about michael jackson, shiz! he took that to the grave that son of a geraldine!).

"making money is easy when you have good taste in music"-me telling my grandkids what's up

THE BEST THING EVER JUST HAPPENED.

I MADE $1.69 WITHOUT MOVING FROM MY OFFICE CHAIR. I DIDN'T HAVE TO GRADE A SINGLE PAPER OR SACRIFICE PLASMA.

Mom, are you proud of me?! I just showed a guy on twitter this song bc he promised that if anyone showed him a song he liked he'd Venmo them $1.69 for sour gummy worms, and I was like "Oh nobody will beat me at this game," cuz not everyone was getting the gummy worms, but I TOTALLY DID. Why am I so excited about this? Should I be this excited? Well, whatever. Nothing can diminish my glory!!! Alright now I sound like Lucifer.

proof so u don't think this is a lie

I realized today that I only blogged thrice in October. THRICE.

List of reasons I only blogged three times in October:

1. I got a cold
2. I had insomnia (very recently cured)
3. I'm in grad school, gimme a break
4. Ok but mostly it was the first and second one

List of things I plan to blog about in November:

1. how to make very little money doing what you love
2. (I mean enough money to buy sour gummy worms and that's it)
3. parables + why they're the beezy 
4. what it feels like to experience your most embarrassing moments in front of 23 people who you most definitely have to face again
5. why the plural of "thesis" rhymes with "feces" and how that's probably not an accident
6. the cats I have made friends with (accidentally)
7. why sarcasm gets me nowhere in life but I still use it
8. Yogurtland vs TwizlBerry vs Nobody Cares

Look, it helps to have an outline. Makes me more accountable. 

bye October, you were pretty cool I guess.